Putting In the Work
by Shutterbug5269
Summary: My SECOND entry for the 12th Precinct 2013 Ficathon. (Aren't I ambitious?) Spoilers or the season 5 finale. Kate said yes when Rick proposed, but now they are in couples therapy working on their communication issues. I would like to thank Dtrekker (aka Detective Angie) for the lovely cover art.
1. Conditional Acceptance

**Chapter One  
****Conditional Acceptance**

Kate Beckett got out of her NYPD issue Dodge Charger with her heart wracked with guilt. She had bungled the entire matter of the job offer in DC badly from the very beginning and she knew it. Her talk with her dad had only made things worse instead of better, made the decision about whether to take the job in DC or stay here in New York City with every one and everything she knew even harder.

Part of her really, really wanted the job. The part of her that wanted bigger and better things, the part of her that felt she _deserved_ bigger and better..._deserved_...more out of her life than soul crushing sadness and the perpetual hunt for her mother's killer.

The part of her that Richard Castle had dug and rooted around in her for when he first walked into her life. The part of her that he had picked, prodded and cajoled out of her for the fist four years they worked together. The part of her that he dragged back into the sunlight and nourished with his love and his boyish too-big heart until it bloomed into life and made her realize that there could be more for her in this world.

And how had she thanked him for everything he had done for her? For giving her back her life and making her realize she _deserved _more could _be_ more?

By doubting him, doubting the courage of his convictions, questioning his motives and his love for her. For not giving him enough of the benefit of the doubt to even share her misgivings about their relationship with the one man who could clear them all up.

By giving more weight to his egocentric, flighty, wretched excuse for a mother of an ex wife Meredith, and Erik Vaughn, a man who knew _exactly_ what to say to push her buttons, but really only wanted to get into her pants.

Not the man who loved her. Who saw something in her, even when she was hollowed out and broken. Even when she threw herself into the arms of men she didn't love. Four years ago she would have jumped in bed with Vaughn without a backward look.

She had listened to them instead of the man she trusted with her life. The man who had saved her in ways she couldn't even begin to fathom, the man who had been right there by her side for five years. Who had signed waivers with the NYPD to follow her around who had signed his life away to stand by her side, who had risked his life with her and for her time and again, almost heedless of his safety.

His own words from a year ago echoed in her brain.

"_Because of everything we've been through together! Four years, I've been right here! Four years waiting for you to just open your eyes to see that I'm right here!"_

He helped her get to this point in her life where she believed she deserved more and he never asked her for anything but her love in return and it had taken standing on a ticking time bomb for her to even speak the words. He had been safe yet he came back and refused to leave her to die alone, in spite of his Mother and his daughter, he had come back. And yet she had believed Meredith over her own heart.

Even more recent words rang in her ears. Words that were filled with anger and heartbreak,

"_You knew what this could mean and it didn't _occur_ to you to include me. Or worse, it did occur to you __and you chose not to. Now what does that say about us?"_

Even now she doesn't really understand why she had kept this such a secret, why she didn't include the people who had become family in the decision making process, or even more shamefully, the man she loves. The hurt, anger and heartbreak that ebbed from him in waves as he walked out of her apartment that night still had her stomach twisting in knots.

She had assumed he had been losing interest because he kept secrets from his past from her, wouldn't open up to her. Thought that he didn't want more, based solely on one night's lapse in attentiveness after four years of hard work getting here and a vague question she had asked him when his mind was elsewhere. Because he was too ashamed talk about a plagiarized term paper from when she was still in the fifth grade.

Something that she could see now had obviously been dredged up because he _was,_ in fact, thinking about what he wanted for their future but was too afraid to say anything lest he upset the delicate balance of their "relationship." A relationship she had insisted they hide from everyone they knew and outright deny existed for the first six months they were together, which she knew he hated doing, but he endured it, simply because she asked it of him and he could deny her nothing. Because he loved her.

But she had been equally guilty of the same damn thing, and for a lot longer. She kept her fears to herself, outright lied to him about important, life changing decisions that effected them both, ones he had every right to know about and yet he never gave up on them. Never before used it as an excuse to cut bait and run. He always came back, no matter how shabbily she treated him or how much she took him for granted.

"_...we kiss and we never talk about it. We almost die in each others arms, and we never talk about it. So no, Kate, I have no idea what _we_ are."_

Even when he didn't know what they had, he still kept coming back. Still kept trying. She felt like such a hypocrite. When had she forgotten the definition of the word _always?_

She sat down on the swing facing him so she could look into his eyes.

"I'm sorry " she said, pausing a moment so he could see the sincerity of her contrition. "I shouldn't have kept secrets."

His expression never flickered, never wavered, but his sadness and pain were leaking out of his eyes and it was killing her that she had been the one to put that pain there, had built this wall that was now between them.

"It's who you are." the monotone of his voice so unlike his usually animated demeanor it was like a stake though her heart. "You don't let people in. I had to scratch and claw for every inch."

He was right and she knew it, which had made it even more heart rending to hear.

"Castle..." she tried to interject but he stopped her.

"Please, let me finish." it was the hollowness and defeat in his tone that silenced her, not his plea to hear him out. Killing the words she was going to speak before she could mouth another syllable. Watching him stare straight ahead as if he couldn't bear the sight of her anymore, which was slowly choking the life out of her.

_'Have I finally done it? Have I finally driven him too far, broken his heart one too many times? Is he finally done with me?'_

That thought brought tears welling up in her eyes which she kept them from falling by sheer force of will alone. The idea that she had finally, truly broken him and in the process, broken them beyond repair filled her with immense sorrow.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking about us,about our relationship, what we have, where we're headed."

Kate sat transfixed, not sure she wanted to hear what was coming next, she was dreading it, but she couldn't look away.

"I've decided I want more." Her heart throbbed in her chest and she felt her breathing began to hitch as he continued.

"We both deserve more."

"I agree." she replied, her heart clenching in her chest as she waited for the dreaded words he had spoken the last time one of her issues came between them, _"This is...over, Kate, I'm done."_

"So whatever happens...whatever you decide..." she could feel the sob rising in her chest, the tears gathering behind her eyes as he slowly rose to his feet, but inexplicably dropped to one knee, his hand slipping into his jacket pocket.

"Katherine Houghton Beckett...will you marry me?"

_'Wait...what? What did he just ask me?'_

She sat there on the swing for a moment, dumbfounded, not sure she had heard what she thought she had. She blinked twice expecting the scene to change to one of him walking away, defeated, only to see Castle still there, on bended knee, a beautiful, tasteful engagement ring in his hand, and what looked like love and hope in his eyes for the first time since their fight last night.

Kate opened and closed her mouth several times before she overcame her shock and her heart answered his question before her mind could collect itself to intervene.

"Yes, oh God, yes, Castle." she said, her voice just barely above a whisper, a single tear breaking lose to slide down her cheek.

Castle's face broke out into a smile for the first time in days as he slipped the ring onto the appropriate digit on her left hand. A smile so absolutely adorable that she had to return it as the moment his her and she was suddenly able to breathe again as he pressed his lips to hers, it had only been a day and she couldn't believe how much she missed the simple connection of his lips on hers.

Richard Castle had proposed, and she had accepted. But all of a sudden the 800 pound gorilla was back, looming over them. The reason why they were here on these swings in the first place.

"Castle, they offered me the job, told me it was mine if I wanted it."

The sudden, crestfallen look on his face as he rose and sat on his swing again made her heart clench in her chest, this was a beautiful moment and she'd somehow ruined it. She knew she had to act fast if she were to salvage this, as she moved from her swing to sit in his lap and drape her arms around his as if holding his breaking heart together with her own body.

"I turned them down, Rick. It was a wonderful opportunity, and a few years ago I might have jumped at the chance at having federal resources at my disposal, but the cost of accepting it now was simply too high."

"Oh, Kate...you didn't have to turn it down...I love you, and I would have followed you anywhere."

Kate sighed. _'that beautiful thoughtful adorable man, he just doesn't get it' _ she thought, and kissed him on the temple before continuing.

"I know you would have Rick, but you shouldn't have to. I never realized how much you have already done for me, how much you have quietly suffered on my behalf. I simply couldn't ask that of you, not over a job I'm not even sure I want anymore."

"What do you mean, Kate?" Rick asked, clearly confused.

"When I interviewed there, the place was cold and sterile, it had no sense of family. The AG couldn't even bear the thought of looking at a colleague's baby pictures." Kate explained,

"It didn't really become clear to me until I was interrogating our suspect, that the 12th Precinct was my home, You, Ryan, Esposito, even Captain Gates were my family. I didn't need that job to fulfill some need anymore, not when my family and everything I need is right here."

Kate lowered her head until her forehead was pressed to his and they sat there in silence for several minutes feeling more complete than either of them had in several days. Neither one of them wanting to be the first to speak for fear of ruining this moment of sweet communion.

In the end it was Castle who spoke first.

"So, Kate, when do you want to do this? Do you want big and fancy? Small and intimate? Church or Justice of the peace? Just name it, tell me what you want and I'll make it happen." she could feel the sincerity in Ricks words, but didn't let herself be pulled back into the blissful cocoon their world had been in all year.

"Rick, we can't do this yet...get married I mean." she said, and for the second time his joy began to ebb into melancholy and heartbreak as if a switch had been flipped.

"You don't want to? Did I say something wrong, was it too much, what did I do?" she could feel the panic rising in his voice before she cut him off with a kiss to his lips.

"You know I do, I said yes, didn't I?" she replied softly.

"Then what do you mean, Kate?" Rick asked, confused again.

"Rick, we don't communicate as well as we should hell sometimes we barely communicate at all. We've been using eye contact, subtle gestures and subtext for so long that we think we can read each others minds, but we can't." Kate breathed.

"I was having doubts about us since Meredith stayed at the loft, but I didn't think to discuss them with you. Instead I asked Meredith questions I _should_ have been asking you. Confiding in people like Eric _fucking_ Vaughn _instead_ of confiding in you. You said it yourself I don't let people in, and I keep secrets or, like my dad told me recently, I turn tail and run when things get too hard."

"I obviously have you so afraid to open up to me for fear I might bolt on you, that the mere _thought_ of asking for more out of our relationship gives you nightmares and has you talking in your sleep about stuff you put behind you before I hit puberty. Not to mention the fact that you have issues of your own due to your failed marriages that weigh you down and make you hesitant to take the next step."

"Rick, if we are going to actually make our marriage _work,_ that needs to change or getting married will be a complete disaster."

Rick thought about what Kate was telling him for a moment, and it did make perfect sense. He had never put this much thought into either of his previous marriages and now it almost made sense why they failed. He hadn't been ready to get married, and his heart was never really in either one.

"What do you suggest?" He asked.

"In addition to his services to the NYPD," Kate replied, "Dr. Burke has a thriving private practice. One of his services is as a coupes therapist. I used him as a sounding board for our relationship after I came back from disability almost as often as I did for my PTSD."

"Do you think it will help?" Rick asked.

"Well he did a pretty good job helping me with my wall." Kate replied.

"No complaints there." Rick stated with a weak smile.

"Okay, Rick, I'll set it up,"

"I love you, Kate, I want our marriage to work. I want us to work." Rick told her, hugging her to his chest fiercely.

"I love you too, Rick. I want this more than I've wanted anything in my life."

Kate looked down at the ring on her left ring finger. It was a symbol of Rick's commitment to a real future. One that looked even closer and brighter than it did even twenty four hours ago when she had been flying back from DC. They could do this, put in the time to make themselves as a couple whole to have a future together, just like she had done last year making herself whole to be with him.

All they had to do was quietly put in the work.


	2. Yin and Yang Conflicted

**Chapter Two  
****Yin and Yang Conflicted**

Rick and Kate lay in bed at the loft the night before their first joint session with Dr, Burke. It had been nearly a week since Rick's proposal to her on the swings and they had both needed the reassurance of each others presence. Only to find themselves lying on opposite sides of his bed with their backs to each other unsure of what tomorrow might bring.

* * *

_Kate_

Kate Beckett got tingly warm feelings in the pit of her stomach whenever she looked at the ring on her left hand, but mixed with that were feelings of apprehension.

_'Did he only ask me to marry him because he thought I was leaving?'_

_'Why did his other two marriages end in divorce?'_

_'Will he get bored and leave me someday' _

All were thoughts that would run rampant through her mind if she let them. They were the doubts in her head that had kept him at arm's length since that disastrous summer he had left for the Hamptons with Gina. That had driven her into the arms of a man she liked but would never love, made her tell that hurtful terrible lie after she had been shot and he had confessed his love for her, sent her fleeing from him without so much as a text or a phone call that entire miserable awful summer in the Adirondacks.

The doubts that had convinced her to keep this most damning of secrets from him when she thought that since this past May she had been done with such foolishness. Keeping secrets was what damn near finished them last time, left her hanging for dear life from the side of a building, had nearly killed her.

Had nearly destroyed them yet again.

She knew she wasn't going to get satisfactory answers to the questions in her mind unless she _asked_ him, for them, but she was afraid to. She was afraid of what his answers might be, or that he didn't have any to begin with. She wasn't sure what scared her most about this man she currently shared a bed with who held her heart in his hands, and along with it her life as she now knew it.

The ring on her finger didn't put those doubts to rest, it was merely a symbol of his commitment to try. She hoped for dear life that it was enough.

She wanted nothing more than to to roll over in bed slip out of her sleep shorts and his shirt and get him to put his hands on her, let him make her forget. if only for a few hours. To silence the traitorous voices that seemed to get in the way of the one thing she wanted more than anything, more than her mother's killer, more than her gold shield, more than some job in Washington DC, she just wanted ... _him_.

* * *

_Rick_

Rick had been overjoyed that Kate had said yes to his marriage proposal, though he knew deep down that her primary concern about that was whether he had only done it because he thought she was leaving. That he hadn't been thinking about the future, his, hers, and theirs until it was almost too late.

He ached to tell her that he had bought the ring the day after Tyson plunged off the bridge into the East River and was only waiting for the right time, the perfect moment to give it to her, a moment that never seemed to materialize.

He just wasn't sure she would believe him. That when he had placed _'Be with Kate'_ as **number one** on his bucket list, that he meant _forever._ He meant _always. _He meant, '_Till death do us part_.'

Why couldn't she just trust him? Had he not proved his love, his steadfast loyalty and devotion over and over again?

Why couldn't she open up to him? Share with him her doubts and fears? Why did she feel she needed to hide them from him? To lie to him?

When had 'We've only just begun' turned to 'Where are we headed?'

When had "I just want you" turned to the point where she was torn between him and Erik Vaughn?

What he done to make her doubt him so? Was he not good enough? Not man enough? Did he not love her enough?

What did he do? What can he do to reassure her he didn't just want right now, that he wanted forever? That he always had, right from the start.

That he had always wanted forever wanted a sense of permanence and belonging, even as a young boy with no father, but had had it snatched away from him every time he dared to reach for it...every single Goddamned time. Kyra, Meredith, Gina, and now he was worried even Kate Beckett would be snatched from him...or worse...that she would simply walk away because he wasn't enough to make her happy.

He wanted more than anything to roll over, strip off his pajama bottoms and reach for her, promise her the forever he wanted more than anything before he made passionate love to her all night long. Beg her to help him forget the traitorous voices in his mind that told him she couldn't really love him, or that he was not good enough for her and that he was weighing her down when she was meant for bigger and greater things.

All the traitorous voices that seemed to get in the way of what he really wanted. More than the books, more than his fame, more than every penny of his Goddamned bank account, more than his playboy image, more than his own life. Almost as much as Alexis, the only person he would ever put before her.

He just wanted her with him...always.

* * *

Rick and Kate

They rolled over almost simultaneously their lips hands and bodies coming together in a tangle of arms and legs and mouths as they pulled at each others clothing until there was nothing between them but skin. He rolled over on top of her and she writhed under him as he held her arms over her head by her wrists in one hand. He kissed her, caressing her curves with his other hand as their bodies became one in the only form of communication they always seemed to get right.

Time slipped by while they made love until both of them, sated and beyond words, slipped into slumber in each others arms. The traitorous voices in both their heads that kept telling them how they cannot last were finally, blissfully, silent.

Tomorrow they would start the process to silence those voices permanently, but for know they had this.

Even though they both knew they needed more. That they needed a solid foundation to build their future on besides the best sex either of them had ever had.

The fight for it had only just begun.

* * *

_Carter Burke_

Dr Carter Burke rose from his seat in front of the couch in his office, walking to the door as his receptionist led Richard Castle and Kate Beckett into his office. It had taken Kate the better part her first six months to be comfortable in this setting to trust him enough to bare her soul in fits and starts first about her shooting then about her feelings for the man now walking with her, arm in arm.

She had been back only a couple of times since the session when she was struggling with her partner's apparent pulling away from her, when he had asked her what she wanted to do, and it looked like she had finally taken the leap, though even he wondered what traumatic event had precipitated the change in their relationship status from partners to lovers.

She tended to be tight lipped about that, only discussing her near death at the hands of Jerry Tyson, and her tendency toward secrecy, closing herself off from her feelings was something he knew was at the heart of most of her problems with intimacy. Though not surprising during the healing process and he had told her so, this issue would now likely be a stumbling block in her relationship with him.

He, as of yet, did not share an equal understanding of Richard Castle's communication issues and motivations, but he would make a point of finding out. Most likely by scheduling a separate session with him alone to get his part of the story. He needed his half of the equation if he was going to help them figure their relationship out.

That they both had come to the conclusion that they needed outside help was a promising first step as he offered his hand to the man, who shook it with a firm grip.

"Good morning Mr. Castle, my name is Dr. Carter Burke, it's a pleasure to finally meet you in person."

"Please, Doctor, call me Rick, and the pleasure is all mine." Rick replied with a warm, ready smile, only a hint of nervous apprehension not uncommon in new clients. He knew the man felt off balance, he had been Kate's therapist for nearly two years and likely felt at a severe disadvantage here, and he new he would have to spend time with him alone to help him build a sense of parity here.

But they were sitting together, hands intertwined, it was a positive sign.

Kate, Rick, today for our first session why don't we start at the beginning..."

* * *

**_I would like to thank all of my friends at the 12th in advance for their help in developing where I am going with this story helping my categorize and boil down that Rick and Kate's communication and relationship issues are. Their help will be invaluable as I move forward with this story._**


	3. Past History

**Chapter Three  
****Past History**

Dr. Carter Burke

Dr. Carter Burke had spent the better part of the week in one on one sessions almost daily with Richard Castle, while Kate was at work in the precinct. He had made a point to reassure the detective that these sessions were not set up to discuss her or their relationship, but to get Rick to open up about his own past history.

Though he did point out that she had been discussing her relationship (both the lack thereof and her desire to have one) with Castle for nearly two years without his presence or input which also seemed to to make sense to her. He had been her therapist of record for just shy of two years, and had only just met Rick. He needed to have a grasp of both sides of the equation if he was going to be able to help them both. This much she understood implicitly, it was a rational explanation, something she rarely got as a homicide detective. It had taken a session or two to get Rick to feel comfortable enough to fully open up, but once he did, unlike Kate, he held nothing back.

He had thought that Kate Beckett's issues were thorny and difficult, and given her unflinching support for her partner and her oft-spoken desire to be "better" or "good enough" or even simply to be "enough" for him, Dr. Burke was surprised at how many conflicting emotional issues had and how far back they went. The fact that he was able to function at all when most of his patients would be hard pressed to leave their houses if presented with _half _of the issues presented here, much less raise a reasonably well adjusted daughter all on his own was nothing short of amazing to him. He wasn't sure where to begin, though he was careful to note issues that he and Kate held in common.

Abandoned by his father since birth, raised by an itinerant actress for his formative years, (causing deep seated abandonment issues and a longing for a more "normal" family structure) shipped off to boarding school at age ten where he was often bullied and taunted for not having a father, the "school's funniest kid" comment Kate had told him about in the days leading up to her shooting (one of many scathing rebukes she now deeply regrets) likely had it's start there. The easy smile, the inappropriate jokes all were common symptoms of a child desperate for love or attention of any kind. His subsequent fame would have been like a drug to someone as starved for attention and affection like he was. The more he got, the more he wanted, even if that attention was shallow and false. But down deep he knew he wanted more.

His first Serious relationship with a woman other than his mother, Kyra Blaine, claimed a need for "space" and then completely disappeared from his life after he inquired about marriage. Followed by a brief marriage to his first wife, Meredith, entered into because she was pregnant. (triggering his need for a real, whole, two person family with someone who clearly wanted neither) It's subsequent end due to her infidelity in their own bed, further reinforcing his issues of abandonment with feelings of betrayal.

He had come to expect to be betrayed or abandoned by the women in his life (starting with his mother, though he never saw it that way) Rick's over-amped sense of jealousy that Kate had been so angry about during the two sessions they had (the sniper shot had rattled her more than she'd let on to anyone but him) after her dealings with Erik Vaughn made a lot more sense now. He is very sensitive to even a hint of betrayal.

His relationship with his daughter had been likely the most stabilizing influence in his life the one person he kept no secrets from and who kept none from him. Likely the only oasis of pure, true love in his life, untainted by betrayal or secrets.

His second marriage had been a complete disaster from the beginning, not to meet his own needs, but to fill the vacant spot at the table where he felt a second parent belonged. It had been unhealthy from the start. After which he simply stopped trying, contenting himself with meaningless flings with whomever he could get to share his bed. Including, on several occasions, his first ex-wife. That is until Kate Beckett came along.

It was a common element in both of their life stories where everything seemed to change for both of them. Only their reactions to this were wildly different.

Kate's had initially been to back away, evade and deny. To run in the opposite direction. Whereas Rick's had been to latch on to her even tighter and keep digging. Like he saw her as his last chance to be happy and he simply couldn't walk away. Even when she (and briefly both of them) had been seeing other people. He still clawed and scratched for his place in her life no matter how many times she rebuffed him and ran away.

But recently, almost since the very day they became a couple, his fear set in. The deep seated fear that lurked in the back of his psyche that she would eventually tire of him and walk away like all the others in his life. Even his daughter was leaving him. The fear that if he fully commits, like he deeply wants to, she will see him as the fraud he sees himself to be and she will leave too.

A cycle that needs to be broken if their relationship, their marriage, is to thrive.

* * *

Kate

Kate had been apprehensive about the idea of Castle being alone with Dr. Burke an hour every day for a week. She knew he was a professional and took his doctor/patient confidentiality seriously, so it wasn't so much that he would reveal some deep dark secret about her side of their relationship without her consent. Things she wanted to reveal to Castle herself, when she was ready. Things that needed to come out but she wanted to be in control of when that happened.

_'there's that word again...control...' _she thought to herself. She knew from her own sessions with Burke that she was obsessed with being in control all the time, sometimes to an unhealthy degree. She was slowly learning she was going to have to relinquish some of that if this relationship was going to work, but knowing that and doing it were two different things.

The last few days though, he seemed much more haggard, nearly emotionally wrecked when he came into the precinct from his sessions with Dr. Burke. He sat in his chair next to her desk staring off into nothing, which was much more disconcerting than all of the times he used to stare at her while she did her paperwork. Now she wished he was staring at her, because she knew he was hurting. Like salt had been poured into an old wound.

These last few sessions have obviously dredged things up from his past he would have rather left buried and it was killing her inside to see him in such emotional turmoil. Thank God there haven't been any new cases this week, she doubted her fiance and partner would be up to solving a murder in his current state. She knew she would be going home with him, she couldn't bear to leave him alone in the state he was in. She wanted to hug him, cradle his head to her chest and tell him that everything would be all right, that she wasn't going anywhere. That he was it for her, she didn't want anything or anyone else, she just wanted him. When he hurt so did she.

* * *

That night in Rick's bed, they didn't make love. They simply lay there together and Kate held him while he cried in his sleep as he called her name and begged her not to leave him in his dreams. It tore her heart in two to hear the desperate pleading in his voice, tears of her own dripping into his hair as she held him whispering soothing nonsense words into his ear.

_'dear god'_ she thought to herself, _'if this is what he dreams about now, I don't want to imagine what his nightmares were like the summer after I was shot'_

She held him to her all that night until sleep finally claimed her, hoping that all this pain Castle was going through would be worth it. That being with her was worth what the therapy was doing to the man she loved. She wanted this more than anything, but she wasn't sure she was good enough for him.

She wanted to be with all of her heart, she only hoped it was enough.


	4. The Ties That Divide

**Chapter Four  
****The Ties That Divide**

This had been their first session together since Rick's week of solo sessions. Kate hadn't asked him all weekend what they had spoken about and Rick hadn't volunteered anything. They both new that it was better for this to come out gradually in their sessions with doctor Burke. Kate had spent the majority of the weekend helping Rick recover from the emotional tide that dredging up whatever it was in his past that had overwhelmed him the last three sessions.

Even now, as they got dressed and prepared to head out for Dr. Burke's office, the weight of it still pressed in on him. His usual flippancy and good cheer were nowhere to be found, the nine year old on a sugar rush was absent as well. In their place was the lost little boy she remembered seeing when he was locked alone scared and miserable in holding last fall. A side of him she hoped never to see again.

She took his hand in hers, twining her small, slender fingers with his and gave him a comforting smile as they walked into the session and Dr. Burke ushered them to sit down on the couch. She knew something was eating at him, but she didn't know what it was and wouldn't really know how to help him until she did.

She didn't even know the right questions, and that bothered her more than a little.

* * *

When the two of them took their seats on the couch they were not sitting as close together as they had a week ago. Rick had unconsciously shifted himself a few inches farther away than he had been last week. Well within her reach, to be sure but a gulf between them that felt almost insurmountable.

Dr. Burke noticed the difference almost immediately.

Rick was withdrawing into himself, much like Kate had done early on. Before she learned to the process, whenever he managed to get something truly meaningful and groundbreaking out of her, she would become more withdrawn in the following session, like she was protecting herself. They were more alike than they realized. They just had different coping mechanisms.

"So...Kate," Burke began, "from some of our sessions over the past few years one of the major concerns you have concerning your fiancee was his previous marriages."

"Kate?" Rick breathed in a hoarse whisper.

Kate sat there for a moment unable to look him in the eyes and in a very small voice that would have barely been perceptible had she not had his undivided attention.

"Why did your other marriages fail?"

Rick turned his eyes from Dr. Burke, to Kate and back again, not sure where to begin, but he knew he had to start somewhere.

"Kate, you remember Kyra Blaine?"

"Yes?"

"Well after she took off for England and disappeared, my mother figured that, after three weeks of moping around, I needed to _get back on the horse_ so to speak, so she set me up with an actress she knew in Los Angeles named Meredith. She was fun and crazy and completely up front about what she wanted. She was just supposed to be a quick fling to get the breakup with Kyra out of my head."

The words _"She's fun and uncomplicated, that's what I need now."_ flashed in Kate's mind causing her gasp quietly...which Castle picked up on and lowered his head, as if he could read her mind.

"We dated for nearly a month, hitting the Los Angeles social scene, it's why the concierge in L.A., knew me and set up everything the way he did back when we were chasing Royce's killer. He assumed I was meeting up with Meredith."

Rick waited a beat while she digested that piece of information before continuing.

"We would likely have gone our separate ways, after the fire burned itself out, but then she got pregnant."

"Alexis" Kate breathed quietly.

"Yes, I proposed the day after I found out about it, mother was shocked to say the least, when I told her. Actually she cursed up a blue streak about why we weren't using protection."

Kate smiled weakly at that thought, _way to tell him Martha _her inner voice told her.

"We were married three weeks later, the biggest, glitziest show wedding you ever saw. It cost me a small fortune. I bought the loft not long after and moved us both back to New York before she started to show because she said she didn't want the Hollywood tabloids to see her gaining weight. Once she did, she hardly ever left the loft except for dinners out and doctor's visits, which she refused to let me attend, not even the ultrasound appointments."

Kate rolled her eyes, unsurprised having met the woman, Meredith was every bit as vain and shallow as she had once accused Rick of being when they first met. She had known that the day she met her the first year that Rick shadowed her.

"Kate, this next part, Alexis can never hear of this, okay? It would only hurt her more than she has been already by her mother...promise me."

Kate looked him in the eyes and saw the desperation there, this was obviously a secret he had long kept buried deep to protect the daughter he adored...from her own mother.

"I promise, Rick, not a word." she said quietly, gently gripping one of his hands with hers.

"Meredith hated being pregnant," Rick continued, "hated everything about it, especially after she started to show. For nearly the entire first trimester she threatened to have an abortion every time we got into a fight. Kept the family planning brochures on the dining room table and in our bedroom to make her point."

Kate looked at him...shocked. The pain in his expression plainly visible, before he pressed on.

"Once, near the end of the second trimester she called me from an abortion clinic. She was gonna go through with it. They had her up in the stirrups and were examining her when I arrived and talked her out of it. She was livid, screaming she wanted the baby gone. That was the last time she actually tried, though, it was all just a show to manipulate me into letting her have her way."

Kate sat there, in stunned silence, hearing Rick tell her how he had fought for his daughter's life, against her own mother. His desperation in the face of Alexis' kidnapping and disappearance making even more sense than it did before. He had fought tooth and nail for her life from the beginning

After Alexis was born, Meredith spent as little time with her as possible, nearly every waking moment was spent working to shed the baby weight so she could go back to her acting career. She had almost zero interest in being a mother. She never breast fed, never changed a diaper only held her once after she was born and even then she seemed more like she was posing for a publicity photo.

One day, around the time Alexis was almost a year old, I was at a book signing across town, when the babysitter I had hired called and said that Meredith had sent her home for the afternoon, even paid her for the rest of the day. I let myself get my hopes up that she was finally taking an interest in being a good mother so I thought nothing of it at the time and went back to glad handing my fans. I figured if she got in over her head she'd call me screaming bloody murder."

A grin began to crease Kate's lips at the thought of Meredith alone with a screaming redheaded one year old until she looked up at the crestfallen, expression on his face, the lingering anger and betrayal in his eyes and the blooming mirth melted away as if it had never been.

"When I got home two hours later, I could hear Alexis crying when I walked in the door. I went upstairs, picked her up out of her crib, changed her diaper and put her back to bed. When I walked into our bedroom, I saw her doing reverse cowgirl on the casting director for a film she was auditioning for. She didn't even skip a beat when she saw me. I told her when she was done, to pack up her things and get out. She didn't even _**ask**_ about Alexis when she walked out the door. Infidelity is the one thing I cannot abide, the one sin I cannot forget, nor forgive. The one line I will never cross."

Kate was horrified.

She had let Meredith get into her head and under her skin months ago the woman had set off her insecurities about his ability or desire to maintain a marriage, when all along it had been _her_ who hadn't taken it or motherhood seriously. All with what she now recognized was the practiced ease of an experienced manipulator. It was why he backed off when she was dating Tom and then Josh, why he never pressed the issue while they were in L.A.. It also put Rick's reaction to Erik Vaughn's advances not long ago into perspective. He had been betrayed before and on the surface the signs leading up to what happened were very similar.

"She never fought me for custody, as a matter of fact she made it abundantly clear in the divorce settlement that not only did she cede her parental rights, she wanted as little to do with her upbringing as possible. She wanted nothing to do with her. I insisted that she have limited visitation, but she only pretends to care about pressing that when she wants something. Like she did when you first met her, and when she was here earlier this year. Playing head games with you was just her way of twisting the knife on me to get what she wants."

"She played a much similar game with Gina when we got engaged, only she caught on to it almost immediately, especially with the infidelity clause in our prenup. Gina stared Meredith down and she blinked first. But my marriage with her was just as big a mistake as the one with Meredith was.

I went into it for all the wrong reasons and we were two completely different people. We only lasted a couple of years. It was doomed from the start. She was my publisher, she never saw the real me, never wanted to, she just wanted to have me under her thumb to keep me pumping out a best seller every year. Trying to get back together was an even bigger mistake, because all of the issues we had during our marriage were still right there because I never should have married her in the first place."

Rick began rubbing circles into the back of Kate's hand with his thumb, drawing comfort from the warmth of her skin as he continued.

"Remember when we were on the run that night after the dinner with your dad and my mom? When you said we didn't make sense on paper? I told you that it didn't matter because we didn't live our lives on paper. Did you wonder how I knew that didn't matter?"

Kate nodded, remembering the discussion in that basement well.

"Gina and I made sense_ on paper_. I was an author, she was a publisher, we worked in the same business and she looked damn good on my arm at all the fancy parties I got invited to, or had to attend to promote my books. Parties she not only didn't mind attending, she practically coordinated them. The problem was we were two very different people and we each wanted fundamentally different things out of our marriage. I sensed it from the beginning, but I wanted a mother figure so badly for Alexis that I ignored my better judgment. I think that's why I never really let her in all the way, never fully trusted her where my little girl, whose life I had fought for since before she was born, was concerned. Our marriage was over almost as soon as it began because I never should have asked her to marry me in the first place."

Kate was shell shocked. One of the fundamental stumbling blocks for her relationship with Rick, one of the very things that had made her keep him at arms length for so many years, that he never took marriage seriously had been rendered completely baseless. She was staring at the floor because she was too ashamed to look him in the eye. With one short question she had had one of the greatest misconceptions of her life blown to pieces. She could have had this so long ago had she simply asked him. The foolishness of the last few months could have all been avoided. Instead she had assumed she knew him...when in fact she never really did, she had misjudged him terribly from the start and had let her own insecurities take over from there.

Rick leaned forward into her personal space and lifted her chin until their eyes met, his fingers tracing the engagement ring on her finger.

"Kate," he whispered, "when I put this ring on your finger, it was likely the most informed decision I had ever made. I've gotten to know more about you in the past five years than I ever knew about any relationship I have ever been in before. I know more about you than I ever knew about Meredith and Gina, had I put in that much work beforehand I would never married either of them. Because neither of them are you. I know exactly who I was getting when I asked you to marry me."

When he released her and started to straighten up in his seat, she practically launched herself at him, tears streaming down her cheeks, overwhelmed by everything he had revealed, simply because she asked him.

"I'm so sorry, Rick...I'm so sorry...I should have asked you instead of listening to her...I'm so sorry."

Dr. Burke got up from his chair and handed a box of tissues to Kate before he headed toward the door.

"Rick, Kate, I think we're done for today. We've made significant progress, which we will try to build upon as we continue down the road, but I think that is enough for now. I'll give the two of you some time to collect yourselves and then my assistant will be in to schedule your next session."

With that he stepped out, leaving the two of them alone for a few minutes.

They had made a lot of progress in the right direction, but they had only just begun.


	5. Were I Used To Have A Heart

_**Okay...this next chapter is likely going to be quite disturbing to you. Especially as beloved a character as Jim Beckett is to most of us in the fandom. It does contain violence and abusive situations...not for the faint of heart, but is as realistic a depiction of a drunk hitting rock bottom as I can come up with. Please try not to hate me too much**._

* * *

**Chapter Five  
****Where I Used to Have a Heart**

_Where I used to have a heart  
__Feels like a mile wide ditch  
__I got a hole inside  
__The doctor just can't stitch_

_Gone without a trace  
__You left a hollow place  
__There's not a stone or mark  
__Where I used to have a heart_

Where I Used To Have A Heart, Martina McBride

* * *

The following morning

Kate knew that Rick's revelation yesterday had been difficult for him, hell it damn near tore him to pieces. She had to admit it had thrown her, completely turning upside down everything she thought she new about him. She was ashamed of herself for how badly she had misjudged him and horrified that she had ever believed a word that had come out of Meredith's lying mouth.

How could anyone _**not**_ instantly fall in love with Alexis on sight? Much less the mother who bore her for nine months. Roy, Javi and Kevin had only met her once for less than an hour four years ago and all three hardened cops had been _instantly_ smitten. She knew that, to this day, Javi and Kevin would walk barefoot over fire and broken glass for her.

She saw Rick's devotion for his daughter the first time she saw them together in the precinct when she and Martha came to bail him out. Saw it again when she visited the loft for the first time at the tail end of their laser tag match. Every time a case involved teenagers or children she saw the softness around his eyes that told her his thoughts had drifted to his little girl.

The lingering terror she saw in his eyes when he told her of the day she had been lost in a mall in White Plains for an hour when she was four and the nightmares he had had for years as a result. The emptiness and desolation that had washed over him when she had been taken a few months ago. His empty, dead eyes when he had emerged from that bedroom after torturing a man without mercy for any information he might have. His disappearing act when he rushed to Paris to save her.

Now she knew why.

He had spent Alexis' entire life trying to shield her from her mother's cold, narcissistic apathy and the attempt Meredith made to end her life before it could begin. To protect her from all the evils in the world and make certain she grew up feeling loved and cherished. He married a woman whom he didn't love, and who didn't really love him, because he thought she would make a good mother figure and then did his damnedest to shield his daughter from the worst of it when, unsurprisingly, that marriage too, fell apart.

He made a public spectacle of himself for _years,_ masquerading as a page six "bad boy" to shield his daughter from media scrutiny. She always thought she'd known how good a father he was, but after today, she realized she hadn't known the half of it. She had never looked past the facade he had put up, even when he repeatedly proved he was a better man than his media conceived image suggested. Not even when they were together and she felt deeply ashamed of herself for it now.

She knew that today would be her turn to bare a piece of her soul and it scared the shit out of her. She was certain she knew what he would ask her to reveal to him. The piece of herself she had built her walls to protect herself from. She would not volunteer it, but if he asked, she would tell him whatever he wanted to know. She owed him not just that much, but so very much more.

* * *

Dr. Burke's office  
1:00 PM

Rick and Kate walked into the office and took their seats next to each other, once again side by side, their hips touching hands clasped together. Burke would normally find that reassuring if Kate didn't look like a skittish feral cat ready to bolt. Her eyes and body language were tense as if afraid of what today's session would bring. Rick had bared a dark secret from his past yesterday and she seemed afraid of what he would ask of her.

"Rick," Burke asked in his calm baritone voice, "it's your turn to ask a question today. What do you want to know about Kate that she hasn't told you?"

Kate looked imploringly at him, but Rick's eyes were on the floor as if weighing his options before his face rose and he looked her in the eyes.

"Why do you run and hide when relationships get serious?" he asked in a dull monotone.

Kate held eye contact for a moment before she too looked down, unable to look him in the eye. She had been afraid of this question all morning. Se had dreaded it, even though she knew she had to open up to him completely. She could still feel his large hand wrapped around her smaller one, his thumb brushing comfortingly across her knuckles.

"Castle, do you remember when I told you about the stick man in my desk drawer that my father and I had made after my mother's funeral?" She asked, peeking up at him though her hair. When he nodded his affirmative she continued.

"That was the last day for nearly five years that I would ever see him sober. Every time after that he was either falling down drunk, sleeping it off, or hung over. It was during this time when I started reading your books. I needed to escape my life, needed to forget my mom was murdered, needed to forget that my father was abandoning me to my pain a piece at a time to drown his pain in whiskey."

Kate pulled her hand away and retreated to the far end of the couch, pulled her legs in to her body as she tried to make herself as small as she could, her eyes far away. The desolation in her eyes, face and body language broke Rick's heart, but when he moved to touch her, to give her comfort she only pulled back and pulled her legs in tighter. He retreated, leaving his hand open on the couch cushion for her...a way back if she wanted to take it. She blinked then hid her eyes behind her hair before she continued, her voice a hoarse whisper.

"The blackouts were the worst. He would say hurtful, hateful spiteful things to me...blame me for pushing mom away while I was home from school, that it was my fault that she buried herself in work after Christmas and getting herself killed. Or just tell me he couldn't stand to look at me, because I looked too much like her, before he would fall asleep in his drunken stupor. I would find him the next morning usually in the bathroom on the floor in front of the toilet and he'd sob, beg my forgiveness and that he was sorry, promise me he would stop and then be falling down drunk again by dinner."

Rick could see the tears streaming down her face and drip onto her shirt, she wasn't even trying to stop them or wipe them away. He could hear her sniffle before she continued, holding back a sob by sheer force of will alone to get the words out.

"In almost five years I had transferred to NYU, joined the academy and graduated...seemingly without him noticing. He had shown up drunk to my graduation from the academy though, cried when he saw me in my uniform with my badge pinned to my shirt. I poured myself into the job, did my best to keep dad from killing himself in booze, but it never seemed to be enough"

"The blackouts came and went, each one a little worse than the last. The last time was the worst blackout of them all. I was in Vice then, nearly a month after I got my detective's shield. I was still dressed like a hooker when I got home and I could tell he was blacked out drunk when he started making angry comments about my job and how I was dressed. He called me a whore, Castle...my own father called me a filthy little NYPD whore. I got angry and yelled back calling him a useless old drunk and every dirty name in the book."

"When I tried to take the bottle away from him he hit me with it. It must have slipped out of his hand and shattered on the floor, but he just kept hitting me. He beat the crap out of me, Castle...worse than Maddox did...and I could do nothing to stop him. Dad had _never_ raised a hand to me before in my entire life and I was in shock. I just curled up into a ball to protect myself until he ran out of steam and left me bleeding and bruised on the floor."

Castle had straightened up in horror as Kate collapsed further into herself and hugged her legs tight to her chest. His hands balled into fists, his eyes flashed and he saw red. Every fiber of his being seething in impotent rage as his writer's mind latched onto the story...Jim Beckett savagely beating his daughter in a drunken blacked out rage playing over and over in his head.

He couldn't get his mind to reconcile the quiet, almost shy peaceful man who had come to his door two years ago begging him to help save his daughter from herself and her mother's case with the man Kate was describing, but he couldn't get the images out of his head.

"When I came to...he was passed out on the couch and I dragged myself into the bathroom, locked the door and called Royce with my gun in my lap. He was having problems of his own, but he came. Dad wound up sleeping it off in the drunk tank and I was sent to the emergency room. I was in the hospital for two days before I signed out against medical advice. I had three bruised ribs, a minor concussion from the bottle, my left arm was broken and I was covered in bruises."

Kate looked up for the first time and saw the emotions playing out on Rick's face. Hurt, rage, and compassion warring for control over his features as she very tentatively uncoiled herself, reaching for him. When her hand curled around the fist at his side, he opened it, allowing their fingers to intertwine.

He pulled gently and she willingly fell into his embrace as she lost her own battle for control. The sobs she was holding back finally broke loose and she convulsed with them as he held her close. He hugged her tight as the waves of uncontrolled sobbing ran their course and she was finally breathing evenly enough to continue. She pulled back a little, but he held her hand as she carried on.

"I didn't press charges, and I don't know what Royce said to him in interrogation after he sobered up. He must have shown him the pictures taken of my injuries in the hospital I guess. Dad called me at my apartment after I checked out. He was sobbing and apologizing over and over. He never asked for my forgiveness, though because he said he didn't deserve it, said he would never deserve it. It was obviously his rock bottom though, because he finally got help. He checked himself into rehab the next morning and never took another drink since. Not even a sip."

"It took me a couple years to come to terms with what happened. I transferred to Homicide while dad was in rehab and disappeared into mom's case...and your books. I didn't come out till I'd almost lost my shield. Dad was there for me during my suspension...took care of me when I crumbled. I think that was when I forgave him, but I never forgot and that was when I locked my heart away. I never wanted to hurt like that again the way dad hurt me."

"From then on, whenever I got too close to someone, or felt them get too close to me I would push them away, or run away myself. Hurt them before they could hurt me. Will had gotten too close and I shut him out so he left to take the job in Boston. He tried, but I froze him out, just like I did to Tom and Josh and tried to do with you."

Kate sank back into his embrace and nearly burst into tears.

"I'm sorry, Castle...I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry." She repeated over and over again.

Rick held her close, running his hands up and down her back.

"It's okay Kate...shh...it'll all be okay...I'm not going anywhere. We'll get through this together, I promise."

Richard Castle knew he would likely never look at Jim Beckett the same way again. Kate may have forgiven him years ago, but he doubted he ever could. Not for this. As a father himself, he could admire Jim's decision to finally get help, to make himself be better for his daughter, but he would never be able to let him off the hook for the incident that drove him to it.

For Kate's sake he would move past it but, at the same time, he doubted he would ever allow Alexis to be alone with him either. Jim Beckett would have to earn his trust back first.

But tonight he would put that hurt and anger away and be what Kate needed. Be the man she needed him to be. He would take her home, draw her a hot bath pour her a glass of wine and read one of his books to her. Help her find some peace. It was Friday and one of her rare weekends off and he would do his damnedest to help her decompress.

She needed him and he wasn't going to let her down.

* * *

**_Like I said above, I hope you guys don't hate me too much for this, but I needed a story almost as bad as Rick's...the rest of the story probably won't be this rough on your feels, thought I might tug on your heartstrings a little more before this is all over. ~Mark_**


	6. Getting the Whole Story

_Many of my reviewers were concerned about the savage nature of Kate's beating at the hands of her blackout drunk father. Not only how he could have done such a thing, but why she never fought back, and how their relationship could possibly have recovered from something so brutally awful. To respond to this I am taking a brief detour from their shared therapy to explore this issue. _

_We all know that Castle would not just want, but need the whole story before he could put his own feelings to rest, so he will seek answers from the only place he can. Here goes. ~Mark_

* * *

**Chapter Six  
****Getting the Whole Story**

Kate was quiet and withdrawn the entire drive back to the loft. She had buried this pain deep beneath her obsession with her mother and Castle was beginning to understand why she was so focused on solving her mother's case. Johanna Beckett's murder had not only cost her her mother but in many ways it cost her her faith and trust in father too, making her an orphan. He didn't know how she could ever have come back from that.

She didn't speak a word as they got out of the town car and walked through the door and into the lobby of Castle's building. Occasionally he would hear her breathing hitch with the very quietest of sniffles. Were he not paying very close attention he would have missed it. It had taken a lot out of her to talk about what was likely one of the darkest most painful experiences in her life.

After the elevator doors slid shut on them Kate leaned into him and he wrapped his arm around her. Even with her power heels on she seemed so small and fragile, needing his protection. Times like these are rare. The last time he had seen her this small and broken was in the hospital after she had been shot. Though it was killing him inside to see her this way it made him feel , for once, she was leaning on him and letting him help and provide comfort for her.

He took her coat after she shrugged it off and led her over to the couch in his office where he urged her to sit down before walking to the closet and hung up their coats. Without prompting or preamble she pulled her holstered Glock 19 and badge from her belt wen he returned and handed them over, her hands shaking. He walked back to the closet and locked them in his safe. Though her silence was tearing his heart out, he wasn't gong to push, she had been pushed enough for one day.

He knelt down in front of her on the couch and brushed the single tear that tracked down her face with his thumb, barely making contact with her skin, but she tilted her head into his hand, seeking out his gentle touch. He stroked the side of her face for a moment before his hands slid down to unzip her four inch heeled boots and slid them off her feet releasing them from their confinement and with them went the last vestiges of _Detective Beckett, _leaving only Kate sitting small, shaken and vulnerable in front of him her legs curling under her as if of their own volition..

He ran his fingers though her chestnut locks for a moment, with the look in his eyes he told her he wasn't going anywhere as he slipped into the en-suite bathroom off from his room to run her a bath in his oversize tub, adding a liberal amount of the cherry flavored bubble bath she had left there the last time she had stayed for the weekend, and lit a few of the scented candles he knew she liked. When everything was ready, walked back into his office and toed off his own shoes before he returned to the couch and pulled Kate gently to her feet, walking her to the bathroom.

She offered him not even a hint of protest as he unbuttoned her blouse and tossed it into the hamper before unclasping her bra, freeing her breasts from their confinement and tossing it in with her blouse. He knelt down in front of her and unbuttoned her slacks, sliding them down the flare of her hips until they pooled on the floor at her feet where he eased both one foot then the other, followed shortly thereafter by her black lace underwear. When the last two garments joined the rest of her clothes in the hamper he took her hand and steadied her while she stepped into the tub and slid down into the hot water, a hiss of almost contentment escaped her lips, the first sound she'd made since the entered the loft.

He pulled a paperback version of Heat Wave from a cabinet next to the towels and left it within her reach then gently caressed her hand before he turned to leave. Before he could step away, her left hand shot out and grabbed his wrist, pulling him back around.

"Please...stay..." she breathed in quiet whisper. Her eyes implored him as well. He could refuse her nothing she needed in her current state, so he sank to the floor holding her hand while he flipped his first book for her open to the fist page and began to read.

"_Nikki Heat pondered red lights and why they seemed to last so much longer..."_

About halfway through the book and an hour later, as the water began to cool, he helped her out of the tub and dried her off, helping her into a terrycloth robe and tying it across her waist he led her back to the bedroom, giving her a pair of her sleep shorts from the dresser and her pink 44 sleep shirt, taking the robe and hanging it on the door nob. He puled back the covers and when she crawled into bed he tucked her in gently.

The pleading look on her face and in her green flecked brown eyes once again implored him to stay, to not leave her alone. He caressed her hand gently and kissed her softly on the forehead.

"I just have to make a phone call," he whispered softly giving her hand a light squeeze, "I'll be right back in five minutes."

"Okay." she whispered in that frightened little girl voice that crushed him whenever he heard it. He could feel her eyes on him as he stepped out of the bedroom, dimming the lights before closing the door.

The softness left his face as e picked up Kate's cell phone unlocked the screen (he had long ago deduced her code..her mother's birthday) and looked up her father's cell number, noting with a small sense of foolish pride that his number was first on her call list before re-locking the screen and slipping the phone back in her purse.

* * *

He dialed the number on his own phone, it was only six PM so he knew that he would still be up. When Jim answered he carefully modulated his tone before he began to speak.

"Jim, it's Rick Castle." he said quietly.

"Hello, Rick. How is the couples therapy going? Made any breakthroughs?" Kate's father asked earnestly.

"Kate revealed why you really stopped drinking, Jim." Rick replied.

"Oh..." Jim said, after a pregnant pause, the casual tone was gone replaced by a tight nervous one.

Before he could say more, Rick asked what he made the call for before he chickened out.,

"Can we meet for lunch tomorrow? We need to talk."

Kate was drifting off to sleep when Rick had returned from calling her father, so he changed into pajama bottoms and a t-shirt and slipped into bed next to her. Though she was very nearly out, she almost instinctively moved to seek his warmth and he wrapped an arm protectively around her as her breathing evened out. It was early yet, but the sleep would do them both good...or so he thought.

She had been wrenched awake twice from the depths of a nightmare, drawing Rick from slumber both times as she cried out then sank back into him sobbing as she sought out his embrace. He hugged her tight to his chest both times until she cried herself out, muttering incoherently.

* * *

10:00 AM Saturday morning

It had taken most of the night and into the next morning to finally get her to sleep peacefully. He slipped out of bed gently untangling himself from her arms and legs without waking her. He needed a shower before he went to talk with her father and it would take every ounce of his self control to keep from beating the the shit out of him, so he wanted to leave with enough time to walk to the diner to calm his anger.

Martha was in the kitchen when he left and he asked his mother to look in on Kate while he was gone and make her something to eat if she woke up. He admonished her not to push Kate or strike up anything but polite conversation, not to bring up her father under any circumstances, and that he would be back shortly.

* * *

Forty Five minutes later

Rick walked into the small diner that Jim had suggested and saw him sitting at what was likely his regular table quietly sipping his coffee. His fraying nerves betrayed by the perceptible tremble of his hand holding the cup. When he motioned Rick to sit, he sat across the table from him.

"She told you what she can remember of what happened then?" the older man stated without preamble, noticing the barely controlled rage in Rick's eyes.

"What the hell happened, Jim? He asked, "How the hell could you do such a thing...to your own daughter?"

Jim looked down into his coffee cup poised in his hands for a moment before replying.

"You knew about my drinking problem, from Katie I suppose?" he finally asked, continuing at Ricks nodded affirmative, "What she might not have told you is that by that time I was having blackouts, long periods of time I have no memory of. I remembered the first few drinks I took that night then everything after is a complete blank, The next thing I recalled was waking up with a massive hangover in the drunk tank, which by then was not a new experience for me."

He paused for a moment to gauge Rick's reaction before continuing.

"This time, however it wasn't Katie who came to collect me from the holding cell, it was her friend Mike Royce, and he looked really angry at me. He instructed one of the guards to cuff me and take me to an interrogation room. When my wrist was cuffed to the table the man laid into me pretty hard and told me what I had done to Katie...I was horrified. I didn't believe him at first, I never in a million years thought I could ever raise my hand to her. I told him I could never do that, but, then he showed me these."

Jim reached into his messenger bag and produced a worn looking NYPD file folder and passed it across the table to Rick, who gasped out loud when he opened it to see the photos of Kate, eyes glazed over in a hospital gown, pulled aside as necessary to document the bruises, on her face, abdomen, back and legs, her left forearm in a cast supported by a sling. The report stated there had been no defensive wounds of any kind, like she had not fought back at all. His free hands was griping the table so hard his fingers were turning white.

"After making sure I had seen every photo in that file, and I had grown quiet he asked me why, but I didn't have an answer for him. I didn't remember a thing, I still don't, completely blacked out...thank God. I doubt I could have lived with myself if I had had to carry that memory around, bad enough she has to remember what I did to her that night."

Rick looked him in the eye and could see the guilt, grief and remorse in his eyes. He could tell the man was torn apart and remade by what he had done to his only child. This was tearing him up almost as much as it had Kate when she had related the story yesterday. He closed the folder, unable to bear looking at the images in it anymore, and slid it back to Jim who put it away.

"He asked me point blank if I wanted to kill myself. If I wanted to die before he set a handgun on the table between us and told me if that was what I really wanted I should just take it, go home and put a bullet in my head. That I should just get it over with, because I was only torturing my daughter by trying to do it by the installment plan. When I pushed the gun back to him and told him I didn't want to die, he told me that I needed to _get my shit together _His words, not mine."

Rick could almost hear Mike Royce's gruff voice speaking the words, almost see the cold menace in the man's eyes boring deep into Jim Beckett's brain.

"After telling the officer to cut me loose, that Katie had refused to press charges, he pushed the file into my hands and told be to keep it. Told me to get my sorry ass to rehab and learn to be the father Katie deserves, and if I ever even thought of taking another drink I should look at those pictures to remember why this was no longer an option. I checked into rehab the very next day and never, ever touched another drop since."

Jim sat there, silent, his eyes once again contemplating his coffee cup as the waitress appeared at the table and refilled it and filled Rick's before she retreated back to the other customers in her section.

"It took me years to begin to win back her trust and to be honest I'm not sure she will ever trust me like she used to. Nor should she, after what I had done to her." he offered quietly.

"It was why I asked you to try to stop her the night her captain died. I knew she wouldn't listen to me, and why, after she was shot when she asked me to take her to the family cabin and forbade me to call you or contact you, no matter how badly I knew she needed you that summer, I followed her wishes to the letter. I couldn't betray her trust...not again. She was finally letting me back in, after all that time, letting me help her. I knew if I ever wanted her to believe in me again I had to do as she asked."

A single tear tracked its way down his cheek. He didn't bother to brush it away.

"I'm sorry, Rick. I know you suffered that summer. I knew how much you cared for Katie, and how much she cared for you, even then, but I did what I had to do to take care of her like I should have done that night. Like I should have after Jo died instead of drowning my pain in a bottle. I don't expect you, Katie, or anyone else to ever forgive me for what I had done, because I will never, ever forgive myself."

"Thank you, Jim," Rick said brusquely, it would be a long time before he could look Jim Beckett in the eye again, "but Kate was asleep when I left and I want to get back before she wakes up."

Jim nodded, and Rick finished his coffee, paid the bill for lunch and left, holding back his urge to punch Kate's father in the face and just never stop till he was bleeding on the floor. It would be quite some time before he would he would be able to look at him without feeling the cold rage in his belly.

His phone rang, it was a text from his mother. _I looked in on her, she was still out, poor dear,_

If he wanted to be home before she woke up or had another nightmare he would have to hurry so he cu through the park past the swings where he proposed to her. It was a fitting symbol for him as he hurried to get back to her.

He knew she needed him to be there when she woke, so he hurried home to be by her side. He would make sure she knew she was loved and cherished by him.

Always.


	7. Comfort and Confrontation

**Chapter Seven**  
**Comfort and Confrontation**

Rick turned his key in the lock at the loft and walked inside in time to hear loud sobbing coming from the open door to his bedroom. He yanked the front door shut dropped his jacket on the couch and ran for the bedroom door to find Kate thrashing on the bed and his mother trying in vain to either wake or calm her. He crossed the floor as Martha shot him a concerned look and he mouthed _"How long?" _

"Just a few minutes ago." Martha replied, her voice a hushed whisper, full of fear and concern, obviously rattled by Kate's distress "I heard her cry out in her sleep while I was in the kitchen."

He hadn't seen his mother look so haggard since Alexis had been kidnapped and his heart swelled at her concern for Kate's welfare. They switched positions, and he took Kate in his arms trying to calm her. Martha squeezed his forearm and kissed the top of his head before she backed away then turned for the door. Concerned every bit as much for her son as she was for Kate, feeling more than a little guilty that her meddling may have led to this.

"Shh, Kate...shh...it's okay." he soothed into her hair as he pulled her to him, "I'm right here...you're safe...I've got you...shh"

She never woke, but eventually his soothing ministrations had the desired effect and she slid into a calmer, more restful sleep. He gently lay her head back onto her pillow and replaced the blankets she had kicked aside during her nightmare around her before he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

He knew that at some point he would definitely need to find something to smash, break, or take a Louisville Slugger to to deal with the anger boiling over inside of him. As much as he might want to, as much as it might make him feel more like a man, he knew that beating Jim Beckett to within an inch of his life was not the answer. The nightmares she was having were not entirely Kate's father's doing.

He'd seen more than one of her PTSD fueled nightmares since they had begun sleeping together and he knew these definitely fit the profile. Digging up this specter from her past had merely triggered them. She had buried this issue deep down years ago when she had forgiven her father, only now it had been dragged back into the light where she had to look at it. His running theory, based on his own observations of her, was that they were a manifestation of her feelings of powerlessness.

She had had similar dreams after _both_ of her confrontations with Senator William Bracken this past year since discovering he was the mysterious _"Dragon"_ who had had her mother killed, but was for the moment insulated and untouchable from the justice she sought, and with whom she now shared a tenuous detente which could end violently at any time. He knew the dreams would fade, like they had before, like his own nightmares from the freezer, or the morning she was shot had faded.

He knew he might have to revisit that part of their shared history eventually, the summer that nearly broke them. He hoped they could get a little deeper into therapy before that happened though. He wasn't sure he could handle that yet, but the lies and the evasions that pervaded the year before they got together, hell the last five years, were part and parcel of the problem at hand. Each of those previous four years would likely need to be looked at with new eyes and dissected to get to the heart of their communications issues.

The summer of 2011 was the one subject he had managed to sidestep in his week long marathon session with Dr. Burke, and he just didn't think he was ready to look in that particular dark corner of his psyche yet, but it was the elephant in the room that he knew eventually would have to come up, and it scared the shit out of him.

* * *

Three Hours Later

Kate Beckett usually wasn't the type to sleep in. Between her job and her active, athletic lifestyle she just tended to be up early, regardless of how much or little sleep she got the night before, in many ways she was a slave to her routines. Today, however, when she finally dragged her eyes open with a groan of protest and looked at Castle's alarm clock it read four o'clock PM. She hadn't felt this bogged down by sleep when she wasn't sick, injured, or heavily medicated since the weeks following her mother's murder. She dragged herself out of bed, surprised by how lethargic she felt having been down for nearly twenty two hours. She headed for Castle's en suite bathroom, stopping to grab a pair of yoga pants a clean pair of underwear and a fresh sleep shirt from Castle's closet.

She was momentarily amazed at how much of her wardrobe had migrated into his closet and never left, especially since her long stay during the period he was in a cast. At least five full work outfits, eight pairs of her power heels, four of her Burberry coats, her favorite cream colored leather jacket, two cocktail dresses (not including the one she wore for his birthday) and a wide assortment of casual wear from yoga pants and sleep shirts to swimwear and lingerie. This caused her to think to herself _"I'll have everything but my furniture moved in here at this rate..."_ and for once that didn't seem to frighten her like it would have even a year ago.

She set the thought aside as she felt the irresistible pull of the shower as she adjusted the water temperature to her taste, stripped off her clothes and stepped inside. The hot water felt heavenly against her skin, the massaging spray of Castle's shower working her tired, sleep slackened muscles. She grabbed her cherry scented body wash and lathered up cleansing her body, if not her mind of the previous day's events.

She knew that Rick was going to want to talk, she knew he had questions, she could see it in his eyes. She could see the questions he wasn't asking on his lips, and she knew he holding them back by sheer force of will, because he thought that was what she wanted. She didn't want to hide things from him anymore, didn't want him to feel he had to restrain himself from asking things of her any more, but she didn't want to appear weak either.

She knew he would back off if she asked him to, but that had been their problem for years, something would happen and she would pull away and he would back off and let her. No matter how badly it hurt him. They had been doing this _danse macabre_ around their true feelings for years, to the point where it had infected every part of their relationship and they were paying a heavy price for it now.

She had always been waiting for the right moment, the perfect right time to discuss things that were on her mind, only she never seemed to find that perfect moment to discuss her fears and misgivings and was only now realizing, there was no such thing as the "right" time, she just needed to dive in.

She knew it would take a conscious effort for her to change her part of their dynamic, it was why she had broached the topic of couples therapy. Only she knew now that she had also done it again, tried to make it safer for her than her partner, tried to put the ball in her court by choosing a therapist she had already invested in. Hadn't thought through what this process would cost Rick emotionally...just like she had when she took the job interview in DC and hadn't told him...had actively lied about it to him. It had backfired on her, because Carter Burke had seen her choice for what it was and actively worked to level the playing field, not once letting her off the hook.

Now she was finally beginning to realize that if she truly loved Rick, which in her heart she new she really did in spite of her insecurities, and she wanted a real shot at a future with him then that needed to stop. She needed step up more, and shoulder her share of the emotional risk by putting her cards firmly on the table.

She needed to stop running and hiding, stop pretending things didn't bother her needed to own up to her own feelings and share them with the one man she would ever want to share her heart with. Even though it scared the shit out of her. What they had together, what they _could_ have if they were both willing to work for it, was worth facing her own fears.

* * *

The Kate Beckett who stepped out of Rick's bedroom twenty minutes later was a different creature from the quiet, small broken one whom Rick had led inside and dressed for bed the night before. She was rested and resolute and had steeled herself to do what was necessary to protect her future with the man she loves.

"Is there something about yesterday's session you want to know?" Kate asked quietly "Anything I can clear up for you?"

"I wasn't going to ask, you would tell me when you were ready." Rick murmured.

"You weren't asking very loudly." she replied, a ghost of a smile graced her lips at the memory of an elevator ride a long time ago when their relationship was not quite so complicated, as she lowered herself onto the couch pulling her legs in under her.

Castle looked down for a moment, a wan smile twitching his lips at the same memory. A time before the secrets and lies came between them, before things got complicated. It was gone when he lifted his head to meet her eyes.

"I went to see your dad today." Rick whispered, noting the flare of indignation that lit up Kate's eyes which she quickly quashed, she was no longer surprised by his need to know the whole story.

"I'm sorry, Kate, but I needed to know, and you were in so much pain that I couldn't do that to you again." Castle whispered quietly, but she could tell he wasn't sorry, he had scratched and clawed for everything he had known about her for years. It was what he said next that surprised her, even though it probably shouldn't.

"As a father, I needed to know his side, how he could do such a thing to his only daughter. I needed answer only he could give me. Only he didn't have any, and I was so angry."

"Please, Castle, tell me you didn't hurt him." Kate whispered, an almost pleading tone in her voice. It had taken her years to come to terms with what he did, to let herself love him again.

"No, Kate, I didn't hurt him, but I wanted to...especially after he showed me the file...and the pictures."

"File?" Kate breathed

"The one documenting your injuries, Royce had given it to him...as incentive to get help." Rick told her, his voice cracked, but didn't break. Kate was keeping her composure by sheer willpower alone, but he could tell she was rattled.

"I need to know, Kate," Rick asked, kneeling at her feet, taking her hands, "There were no signs of defensive wounds of any kind, why didn't you fight back?"

Kate's face fell as she dropped her head, looking down at the floor, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

"I don't know," she whispered, "when he first hit me with the bottle, I was in shock, and then he just kept hitting and kicking me. I screamed and I whimpered and I begged him to stop, but he didn't. He just kept hitting me till he was done. When I came to and locked myself in the bathroom I was ashamed...that I didn't stop him...that I couldn't get through to him...that I never fought back and let him beat me. That this was all my fault, that I was to blame, I wasn't good enough..."

Before she could finish her self flagellation, Rick pulled her into his arms in a fierce embrace.

"Kate...no...none of this was your fault...you didn't do anything wrong." Rick whispered in her hair.

They spent the rest of the day on the couch together, giving and accepting comfort from each other. Rick soothing away the last vestiges of her unearned guilt and her tears as she wept for her lost innocence, and Kate helped him sooth away his anger at a father who had failed to protect his daughter. They communicated almost without words, with only the gentlest of touches as they drew strength from each other.

They would be ready for the next session with Dr. Burke on Monday, but they would take Sunday just for them to decompress before getting back to it.


	8. Resolve

**Chapter Eight  
****Resolve**

Rick and Kate spent the whole day Sunday decompressing from their experience during Friday's session. Kate's revelation had been traumatic for both of them and they both knew that they needed time to recover from it.

Kate had seen the necessity for Rick to work out the lingering angry aggressive feelings he had toward her father, so she had quietly slipped him into the 12th Precinct's workout room early that morning and let him have at the heavy bag while she worked on her yoga routine.

He had been beating on the bag for what must have been a solid hour when she came back to find him, to do some mixed martial arts shadow boxing of her own and had to pull him back away from it. His hands were red and sore and his knuckles were bleeding in places, but she could tell he had had quite enough by the tears on his cheeks and his ragged breathing.

She hadn't seen him in this condition since the night he had saved her from Hal Lockwood's sniper rifle. The combination of love for her written all over his face (especially after that searing kiss to distract the guard out front) and the deadly rage dissipating from his eyes after he had beaten the trained assassin senseless with his bare hands still lingered with her to this day. She knew in her heart, that had she not been dating Josh, she would have taken him to her bed (or gone with him to his) that very night.

This realization sent a new wave of guilt coursing through her heart. _'How many times have I used either Josh, Tom or something else as an excuse to hide from my feelings for him?'_ she thought to herself. _'Rick waited so long for me, tried so hard to make me see the real him and I just kept pushing him away, no wonder he was so afraid to move forward.' _

She helped Rick get cleaned up, took him back home and dragged him into the shower with her. Knowing in her heart she wanted so badly to make up for all of those times she had truly desired to do just that, but had stopped herself because of her own insecurities. What started in the shower, soon moved into his bedroom and they had gone three rounds of hot, passionate lovemaking which left her boneless and sated, tangled up with him between the sheets, still amazed at how incredible a lover Rick was.

She had never been shy about taking men to her bed, either before or after she had met him, and now that she had come to realize just how amazing they were together she could not understand her hesitation to be with him.

He was a kind, gentle attentive lover. The attention to detail he put into writing his books definitely was not lost to him in the bedroom. (or the shower, or his desk, or the kitchen counter,,,she thought lustfully to herself) He gave so much of himself to her during their lovemaking and asked for so little in return.

None of her other suitors could hold a candle to him sexually, certainly not Tom or Josh both of whom were, each in their own way, too caught up in trying to dominate her or possess her...especially Josh, who only seemed to be interested in her when he thought she was spending too much time with Castle and it showed in his over-aggressiveness in bed where Rick was all about pleasing her.

She had told Rick on their swings that she really liked Josh, but she was beginning to think that what she really liked about him was that he was gone so much of the time. She had never really gotten to know him, and now she knew she really didn't want to. It had made breaking up with him that much easier. Especially after what her father had told her he had done to Castle in the waiting room.

Which lead her to a whole other wave of guilt. A familiar one, one she thought her sessions with Dr. Burke had laid to rest until Rick had pulled away from her and began seeing that flight attendant, Jacinda, last year. Not to mention the the incidents that followed over the weeks that followed, culminating with him walking away from her when she had begun teetering over the rabbit hole. Which she now knew was an abject lesson that she could only push Rick so far before he pushed back, if only to protect himself.

_'A lesson I could have avoided if I had only been honest with him in the hospital that day.'_

She knew what she wanted to ask Rick when the time came for their next session. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear how badly she had hurt him that summer, she wasn't sure her heart could take it. Nor was she sure that he wanted to talk about it, either, but it was time they crossed the Rubicon and talked about the things they never talked about. She need this out in the open, everything else would be easier to deal with after that.

It was time.


	9. Crossing The Rubicon

**Chapter Nine**  
**Crossing the Rubicon**

_She had told Rick on their swings that she really liked Josh, but she was beginning to think that what she really liked about him was that he was gone so much of the time. She had never really gotten to know him, and now she knew she really didn't want to. It had made breaking up with him that much easier. Especially after what her father had told her he had done to Castle in the waiting room._

_Which lead her to a whole other wave of guilt. A familiar one, one she thought her sessions with Dr. Burke had laid to rest until Rick had pulled away from her and began seeing that flight attendant, Jacinda, last year. Not to mention other incidents over the weeks that followed, culminating with him walking away from her when she had begun teetering over the rabbit hole. Which she now knew was an abject lesson that she could only push Rick so far before he pushed back, if only to protect himself._

'A lesson I could have avoided if I had only been honest with him in the hospital that day.'

_She knew what she wanted to ask Rick when the time came for their next session. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear how badly she had hurt him that summer, she wasn't sure her heart could take it. Nor was she sure that he wanted to talk about it, either but it was time they crossed the Rubicon and talked about the things they never talk about. She needed this out in the open, everything else would be easier to deal with after that._

_It was time._

* * *

Monday Morning  
8:00 AM

Both Rick and Kate woke up that morning with an impending sense of dread for the coming session with Doctor Burke. They got up, showered separately and went through their morning routines a distinctly uncomfortable silence, even as they stood next to each other at the bathroom sink brushing their teeth.

Rick had a very bad feeling that he knew what Kate was going to ask him in this session, what she was going to dig up from their shared past. He wasn't sure if he was ready to talk about it, to open himself up to the pain he had suffered when Kate had left without a word or a phone call, made even worse by the knowledge that she had lied to him about his declaration of love for her.

He had set aside his anger over what she had done, not just to him, but to all of her friends, the people who cared about her. He had set aside the sense of betrayal and pain she had left in her wake when she fled with her father to the Adirondacks for three months without so much as a text message or the phone call she had promised to make to him. Had apparently not even been willing to confront him so early after she returned, but for the files in his possession.

Somehow, the boys had known, or Esposito did at least. Known that Kate would come back to work, bury herself in the job and try to pretend nothing had changed. That she would drown herself in her mother's case as an excuse to hide from a truth she wanted to avoid. Somehow they had known, so they had given him the files they had worked on all summer for safe keeping. The files she would need to have to investigate her shooting. Made sure she would have to go through him to get them in order to force her hand and keep her from stalling the conversation they knew "mom and dad" needed to have. The one they never did end up having, choosing instead to dance around the subject of who "they" were, just like they always did.

He knew she would have sought him out eventually, her sense of guilt would have dragged her to his door at some later date, but eventually would have been too late. Kate had had no idea how close he had been to walking away from her for good when she got in line for the Heat Rises book signing.

Not because he wanted to, or that he loved her any less than he had on that terrible day in the cemetery, but because he could only endure so much rejection before he had to pull away to protect himself. He wasn't sure he wanted her to know how close he had come to throwing everything they could have been away before they even had a chance to begin.

* * *

When Rick and Kate walked into his office, Carter Burke noticed the uncomfortable atmosphere almost immediately. The silence was both palpable and deafening. They hardly looked at each other, and when they did not in the eyes. Like they wanted to talk about something, anything other than what apparently was on both of their minds.

"You both look uncomfortable." Burke stated without preamble, "Are their any unresolved issues from our session on Friday?"

For the first time since arriving, they looked at each other and in perfect sync replied "No."

He notated this on his legal pad then tried a different tack with the pair. "Was there something else you wanted to discuss?"

Again they spoke in near perfect unison Kate saying "Yes" and Rick saying "No"

"All right, Kate" Burke stated, "what seems to be on your mind?"

All of the confidence Kate had felt since she had decided what she wanted to talk about, suddenly evaporated now that she had been put on the spot. Her bottom lip slipped between her teeth the fingers of her right hand absentmindedly brushed the scar between her breasts and she suddenly developed a fascination with the pointed toes of her 4 inch heels. The voice that came out of her was so quiet and small, Rick could hardly believe it had come from Kate Beckett's vocal cords.

"Tell me about the summer after I was shot."

Rick sat on the couch next to Kate for a moment, then stood up and walked over to the window, as if he could not bear the thought of looking at her when he thought back to possibly the darkest three months of their partnership. Second only to the week that Alexis had been held captive.

"I need to set the stage first, Kate, okay?" He didn't look back to see whether Kate nodded or not, merely waited a moment before taking a cleansing breath and launching into his version of the events leading up to her shooting.

"In the days leading up to our confrontation in your apartment the night before Roy died, a couple of things happened that you didn't know at the time. The night before we found Ryker's body, your father came to see me at the loft and begged me to try to convince you not to throw your life away."

"Dad came to see you?" Kate breathed...shocked at this revelation.

Jim Beckett's voice sounded off in Rick's head...a litany of his failure as far as he was concerned.

"_I've already lost my wife over this...I've already lost...it took me years, but I've made my peace with that...but Katie...she won't listen to me and she won't back down, not unless somebody can convince her that her life is worth more than her mother's death. _

_She cares about you Rick, and unless you're dumber than you look, you care about her too...don't let her throw her life away"_

"Yeah," Rick replied, "and he wasn't the only one who thought that the one person who could get you to stand down was me."

"Who else?" she asked almost ashamedly...

Roy Montgomery's voice sang out in his mind as plain as day, even after all of this time, as if to taunt him with his failure.

"_I cannot make Beckett stand down, Castle, I never could, and the way I figure it, the only one who can is you." _

"Not long after your father came to see me, I tried to get Roy to take you off the case, to order you to back down, he told me that the only person with any hope of getting through to you was me. After that conversation with Roy I went straight to your place. And you remember what happened then."

"_They're gonna kill you Kate. If you don't care about that, at least think about that's going to effect the people that love you. Do you really want to put your dad through that? What about Josh?"_

"_And what about you, Rick? Kate had stated harshly._

"_Of course I don't want anything to happen to you. I'm your partner...I'm your friend."_

"_Is that what we are?" she'd stated almost tauntingly, _

"_You know, I don't know what we are. We kiss and then we never talk about it, we almost die frozen in each others arms and we never talk about it, so no, I've got no clue what 'we' are. I know I don't want to see you throw your life away."_

Rick remembered that fight as if it were yesterday. How she rebuffed his attempts to get her to see reason, to take the blinders off that her simmering rage had placed upon her, only to have her mock him as the "school's funniest kid" He remembered how angry he had gotten when she said that, and forgot what he was there for. How he had told her how she hid in her mother's case and never came out, how she hid in nowhere relationships with men like Josh and Demming that she didn't love, setting himself up for the cruelest cut of all.

"_You know what we are, Castle? We are over. Now get out."_

"That was why you came to see me that night?" Kate breathed, her heart burning with shame for how she had treated him back then, knowing that his only crime had been that he was afraid for her life.

Now, for the first time, she realized that both her father and the man who had taught her everything she knew about being a homicide detective had practically thrown her partner under a bus, because neither of them, Her father nor her captain, had had the will or the courage to stand up to her themselves.

Both of them had to have known that she was too far down the rabbit hole to listen to reason, from Rick or from anyone else. Yet they both pushed him anyway, forced him to shoulder a responsibility they had _no right_ to thrust upon him. _A responsibility that should have been theirs, not Rick's._

He tried valiantly, anyway, tried his best to make her see where this was headed...in vain as it turned out. She was, at the time, still suffering from the delusion that this was a battle she could win by herself, and enemy she could fight alone. She wouldn't find out just how wrong that assumption had been, for another year.

"When Roy called me that night and told me to meet him in the hangar," Rick continued, "I thought it was my last chance to prevent your death. My last chance to save you from yourself. My last chance to do what your father and Roy had practically begged me to do."

She hadn't realized that there had been another reason why Roy had given in so quickly when she told him she wanted him gone. She had been shocked, she'd expected him to go to bat for Castle, to tell her no, but he didn't. It was then that she'd found out that it wasn't Mayor Weldon who had kept castle here, but Roy Montgomery. Because he was good for her.

She simply hadn't wanted to hear it at the time, though now she was beginning to wonder just how long Roy, Mayor Weldon, and Judge Markaway had been Richard Castle's "Gotham Crew" if he had had that high of an opinion of the man when she first met him. It had taken her nearly four years to work past that disastrous first impression he had made.

She spent the week leading up to Roy's funeral sorting out her feelings, letting go of the resentment she held against Rick for yanking her off her feet and dragging her bodily out of that hangar to let Roy make his stand and die alone.

Anger and resentment she had laid on Castle, but _should _have reserved for Roy Montgomery, for his having been the linchpin that set in motion events leading to her mother's murder. For helping the monster who orchestrated not just the death of her mother, but the near destruction of her whole family to cover up his and Bracken's crimes, for keeping that secret from her for over a decade, letting her scurry about chasing shadows and the breadcrumbs to nowhere he had laid out for her till she finally ran herself into the ground and tried to move on.

Until Richard Castle had come along and shone a light on all of it. Found evidence long buried, made connections long kept separate. Brought resources to bear that she couldn't possibly touch. Things she had missed and connections she hadn't made because the man she trusted most had been leading her astray all of these years, trying to protect her from the U.S. Senator that wanted this case buried, and her dead, but had, for a time, been willing to trade her life for his secrets as long as she was pacified.

A decision she did not understand until she was forced to make a similar one herself.

Neither of them needed to go back over her shooting. Her lie to the contrary, she remembered every painful, disjointed second of it. Everything from the moment they moved Roy's flag draped coffin to his grave. Her eulogy at the podium, the look of both forgiveness and contrition she had given Rick when she reached the part about _finding someone willing to stand with you, _the bullet tearing through her chest before the world faded to black.

It was etched in her mind forever.

Including the heart wrenching expression of pain and crushing guilt on her partner's face as he leaned over her, and the words he spoke before she lost consciousness.

"_Kate!" _

"_Kate...please...hold on..."_

"_Stay with me Kate please..."_

"_Don't leave me...please...stay with me...okay?" _

"_Kate...I love you...I love you Kate." _

All of it seared into her memory with absolute clarity...sometimes even now haunting her dreams.

But the worst part was yet to come. When she woke in the hospital, not with the man she wanted looking into her eyes, but Josh...the man who only really saw her as a conquest, a possession. Who felt that now that he had saved her life he had sole rights to her and could make decisions on her behalf. He had halfheartedly tried to keep Castle out, but her father had trumped his selfish desires with something he could not refute, power of attorney.

When he came at her beckon call, she lied to him about remembering. Blamed him for leaving Roy to die, claiming fatigue when he tried to explain. Told him she needed time then sent him away with a promise to call him in a few days and sent him on his way. She knew it was wrong when she did it, but she simply could not face him, didn't feel she deserved his love and forgiveness after the way she had treated him.

Had his shoulders not been so slumped over in defeat and guilt, she would not have seen the leading edge of a bruise where his neck and shoulders met. A bruise that seemed awfully fresh and looked untreated. Her father had been the next one in the door after he left, guilt of his own shining in his eyes, behind the relief that she was alive. When asked, he wasted no time telling her where Rick had gotten it.

Josh walked in five minutes later, the possessive smirk plastered on his face at his apparent victory over Rick being sent away so quickly vanished when she told him she was not happy with his behavior. Told him they were done and not to come back. He had tried to argue, tried to tell her she owed him for saving her life and that Castle had deserved what he had gotten for nearly getting her killed. That he would be back later to _talk some sense into her_.

Her father had stepped into the hallway and made it clear to the hospital staff that his "client" no longer wanted Dr. Davidson to be involved in her care nor was he welcome in her room, and with that, Josh Davidson was out of her life.

But so was Castle, because contrary to her word, she never once called him. Not in a few days, not a week later when she was discharged, not when she asked her dad to take her to the family cabin in the Adirondacks, or for the three months she was there.

Every time she had picked up her phone to call him, somewhere between turning it on, tapping in her unlock code and pressing the screen over his number, her fear and insecurities reared their head and she found an excuse not to. Even as the unread texts, missed calls and un-listened-to messages piled up.

By the end of the second month of her self imposed exile, she could no longer bring herself to try. Only her father had the number for the land line, and it rang only twice that summer. Her father to check that the pantry was still stocked.

She had forbidden her father to call or to speak to anyone after even his company was too much and she had sent him away too. In her own pain, guilt and paranoia she had cut herself off from everything and everyone she cared about, little knowing the guilt and heartache she was leaving in her wake.

Her own misery swallowing her whole. Her nightmares and panic attacks making her a virtual prisoner inside it's walls more than once. A car backfiring on the other side of the lake had sent her scurrying into her father's closet for nearly an entire day. Fourth of July fireworks had had her hiding under her bed with her hands on her ears begging someone to make it stop.

"Please, Rick..." Kate was actually begging, "I know I hurt you when I sent you away. I know you were angry when I came back. Please tell me your side of that summer. I need to know."

Castle's eyes never strayed from the window, looking down into an unobstructed view of Central Park. Even so, Kate was too ashamed to look at him. To ashamed of the way she had behaved and the lie she had told and how she had never called him like she said she would have. The excuse she had given him on the swings that fall had been absolute bullshit. She hadn't been prepared for his response at the time.

"The first week after you left, I rarely went anywhere, waiting for you to call, I didn't want to be busy so I could be there as soon you needed me."

Fresh guilt assaulted her and brought tears to her eyes, he had barely begun and she was already biting her lower lip to keep herself from stopping him from opening up.

"As the week came and went, I realized that Ryan and Esposito needed me to help them work the case, and I couldn't sit around all day, so I went in to the precinct and commandeered your desk. I poured through all of the files and bank reports I could find trying to track the money.

Every day for the first month I buried myself in the case, the three of us trying to find your shooter. Hoping to track it to whomever hired him. Got all the way to the bank records I told you about and then in walked Victoria Gates. She carried her banker's box into Montgomery's office waited while Roy's wife packed his things then took over."

Kate pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, pulling tight to stifle the sob she felt building in her chest as he continued.

"The first thing she did was order the investigation into your shooting closed for lack of evidence and put the boys back into the rotation for new cases. The second was to thank me for my dedicated service to the NYPD and then told me that as well intentioned as I might be, she did not need a _'dilettante writer playing cop'_ in her precinct. Ryan tried to come to my defense, but she threatened to have him cited for insubordination and that was all she wrote."

Kate had remembered the bitter way Ryan had used that very line the day she had come back from convalescent leave to get her job back. It had irked her that she was so rigid at the time, that she had been correct not to allow a cop to investigate their own shooting only irked her more.

_It was when she had first decided that Gates couldn't be trusted, that she was the enemy and began keeping secrets from her. She wasn't Roy, she couldn't understand, so she shut her out._

"I didn't stop looking, though." Rick continued, "I set up the contents of the file on my smart board just like it was one of my novels and just kept right on going. But the trail still dead ended at the warehouse fire destroying those bank files. There was nothing and after two weeks, I was finally forced to give up."

"I felt like a failure. It was my fault you got shot, my fault that you were in this mess, that somebody put a bullet in your chest. I blamed myself for your shooting, so it wasn't a stretch for me to come to believe that you blamed me for all of it too, like Josh did. Every night before I went to bed and every morning when I got up, I checked for a call or a text message from you and every day you didn't my sense of guilt grew."

"Alexis finally had had enough of me moping around the loft all summer waiting for a call that was never coming. She kicked my ass, Kate. Laid some guilt of her own on me thick and heavy, that she needed me and that I needed to snap out of it. I had a life and that until you decided to come back, I should go back to living it."

"I started reworking Heat Rises. Rewriting the ending was hell, and changing the story around wasn't easy but I owed it to Roy, you know? I still didn't go out much, still held out a faint hope that you would call, but every day my guilt began to fade and resentment took its place. Out of spite almost, I started levering myself back into my life."

"Toward the end, I started getting angry. Angry that you pushed me away, told me you needed space, promised to call me then disappeared from the face of the planet, just like Kyra did. I made plans to turn off my cell phone and go to the Hamptons for a week the day after that book signing and an extended tour beginning the following Monday."

The last part floored Kate. She'd known she'd hurt him that day, the minute the words had come out of her mouth, but that she had done almost exactly what the last person who had run away without a word and never come back sent shivers down her spine. Because she had given him no reason to think otherwise, had been too cowardly to send him so much as a text message to let him know she was okay, that she would be back (and she knew she'd be back) but that she needed more time to heal.

She knew from her sessions with Dr. Burke when she came back, that she'd needed to heal before she could truly have a chance at a life, with Rick, but she also knew that how she had handled things with with him before that summer had been wrong, that lying to him and running away hadn't made things better, hadn't made her better. They had only deepened the hole she needed to climb out of strengthened the wall she would need to knock down.

'_Oh god, if it hadn't been for those files,' _She thought to herself,_ 'If Ryan and Espo hadn't forced my hand, by the time I had felt "ready" to face up to what I'd done to Rick, it would have been too late, he would have been gone.' _She was horrified at what running away had nearly cost her.

The realization hit her, that after everything that had happened that first year after her shooting, she really hadn't learned a damn thing, the therapy hadn't really fixed anything, because almost exactly a year later. Just as they had begun to find themselves in a good place, just as her wall had begun to come down, they had found themselves standing in almost the exact same spot in her apartment, having virtually the same argument as the year before.

Only this time it was he who told her that he was done, that they were over, that he couldn't stop her from throwing her life away and he simply could not watch her die again. So he walked away and she did what she would have done had Castle not pulled her out of that hangar the year before and damn near died.

Maddox took her apart like a poorly stitched rag doll with almost laughable ease. She was only alive when Ryan got there because Maddox hadn't been sent to kill her. She had found out the hard way on that roof that Rick had been right all along, had been right _before _her shooting, that she was no match for the forces arrayed against her.

That she had broken his heart for the second time in less than a year for nothing.

She was up out of her chair before the thought was fully formed in her head, her hands framing his face as she kissed him over and over again, like she had a year ago. Apologizing for something that she should never have done in the first place.

"I'm sorry Rick..I'm so sorry..."

Rick's arms wrapped around her and he began kissing her back, holding her to him till she got the last choking sobs out of chest and her breathing began to settle. He actually did feel a lot better after getting this off of his chest. He had been carrying it around with him for nearly two years, and it had been the fear that she would run again that had made him hesitant to push Kate, to as her for more. He knew that now, knew that he should have taken the chance, that she had wanted him to. And when he didn't, she had fallen back on old coping mechanisms.

He was just as guilty of not communicating as she had been. It was why they were here. Rehashing old secrets, old hurts, old demons were not enough, they needed to learn not to fall back on them again, needed to learn to open up to each other to change or they would be right back here again and again until they drove each other apart.

* * *

The two people who walked out of Carter Burke's office were not the ones who walked in. They were lighter, better for having worked something major out for themselves and it felt good. They knew they would be back in a few days, this was a process and it wasn't over.

They went back to the loft and made love. The uncomfortable silence of that morning forgotten, their bond strengthened for having crossed another milestone in their relationship. When they had finished, Kate had fallen asleep draped on him, her steady deep breathing a sign that she was fully asleep.

Rick, however had not yet succumbed to sleep, he had one secret and one secret alone that he knew he would take to his grave. A contingency plan he hoped circumstances would never force him to carry out.

He was very gradually siphoning funds to a bank account of his own in the Cayman Islands. An account that was gradually building and gathering interest with every passing day. Originally set up last year after they had learned that Senator William Bracken was "The Dragon," in case he needed to take Kate someplace safe and live comfortably for a while. Rick had turned to a darker purpose in the wake of Alexis' abduction.

He still wanted Kate to take the bastard down, still wanted to see it done the _right_ way, see him truly pay for the lives he had taken and the lives he had destroyed. He still wanted justice every bit as much as Kate did. However, the man who had returned from Paris was not entirely the same man who left. His priorities had shifted slightly.

He had only been partially kidding with Kate when he told her about having "a guy everywhere" some of whom were very unsavory individuals who lived in the shadows and owed him favors. If Bracken ever successfully ended up killing her, or both of them, the balance of that untraceable account would automatically be wired to a very dangerous man he knew.

Bracken would not live long enough to gloat about his victory.

The Richard Castle who had come back from Paris still wanted justice, but if Bracken ever forced him to live the rest of his life without Kate, he would settle for revenge.


End file.
